The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
