apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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