I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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