It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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