i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am midnight drunk by noon
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You took a bar mat shot.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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