Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
