I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
