I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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