i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
