Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
