Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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