I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
