dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize