Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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