I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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