I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
