Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
