dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
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There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
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He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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