mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
