He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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