I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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