are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
