I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she peed on how many people?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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