the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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