would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
