I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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