maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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