I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
