Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
