Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
