i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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