i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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