He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
