Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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