My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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