you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
