Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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