At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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