sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I need moral support for this bender
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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