Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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