No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Pants are for mortals
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
