my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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