hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
