my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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