Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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