If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is Oprah even human
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
