I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
