So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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