TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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