I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
