I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
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So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think i got beer on your cat.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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