Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
