listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Semen is not good for contacts.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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