Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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